Separation Anxiety

Some of you may remember an old acquaintance, and Wah Shen Goh sparring-partner, of mine by the name of Professor Gabriel Sneeep, an eminent virologist and semi-professional pastry chef, who often contributed to my writings in the early 2000s* (and to my buffet table at house parties). Unfortunately, Gabriel has “let himself go” over the last few years and he now resides at the Mendelsson Monkwhistler Countryside Retirement Home after a breakdown; despite this, he has managed to maintain the dignity of his family’s noble background (he is often referred to as putting the “Count” in “Countryside Retirement Home”) and I recently went to visit him there.

(Cue archive footage of 1960s sports car speeding through leafy English lanes, the verdant greens and lustrous golds of the scenery wonderfully counter-pointed by a simultaneous soundtrack of Ralph Vaughan-Williams and Radiohead.)

The Professor was on the veranda as I arrived, spread-eagled across the York paving slabs retrieving several broken teeth. I could see the curtains of his 2nd floor apartment billowing from the open windows and snagging on the lichen-crusted stone balcony; cheerily I halloo-ed the Filou-obsessed nut-job:

(laughing as I speak) “Good afternoon, Professor – did we forget which door leads to the landing again?”

(he responds, spitting blood) “Not we, just me!”

I spent the next few minutes assisting in the recovery of enamel chips before lifting the carpet-chewing, ex-Chocolatier into a wheel-chair and pushing him off into the Begonias. Being a “rocking back-and-forth” mentalist, it took the Professor several minutes to extract himself from the big-leafed fauna, cursing like a fish-wife as he did so. When he (finally) joined me in the marzipan summer house we were able to talk.

“Many and varied are the trials and malefactions that afflict the humble Magic player” he began, “Some of them are unavoidable because they are natural and right and proper and expected – for instance: colds and flu, tiredness, club-foot etc. But, as an older member of the gaming community, I feel it my duty to pass on some of my concerns so you might document the more disturbing recent phenomena and offer suggestions for treatment…applying a soothing unguent of mature reason, if you like.”

Indeed, I did “like” and retrieved a pencil from my jacket and began scribbling furiously on a nearby raspberry & white chocolate individual cheesecake (mmm…)

Hence, this time, I am sharing the Professor's wisdom with you all in the hope that, should any store credit be forthcoming, I can afford to start providing him with flour, butter, eggs, icing sugar and (God willing) the occasional spatula.