Stop All the Clocks!

[Ed: We apologise that the capitalisation is a bit odd - this article was originally written as a screen play with everything in full capitals, and as accurate as that would be, it did come across as overboard on an internet forum.]

Dramatis Personae
Hugh “Land” Grant: A Mop-Haired, Head-Loving, Girl-Shy English Fop; Most in Need of a Slap Amongst All Men in the Multiverse

Joven Stools: Dizzy, Ginger Pseudo-Girl; Best Friend of Hugh – Has Fantastic Jugs, But Hides them in Large Sweaters

Chris Mage: Stuttering Aristo with the Wealth of Croesus; Has Difficultly in Understanding the Concept of the Stack, But Has a Trades Folder You Would Humiliate Yourself For

Mark O’fury: Skunk-Faced, Leering Perv

Carrie R. Pigeon: Bet a Llanowar Elf; Now Plays in Deck Protectors, But Shows Some Wear and Tear From Her ‘Bareback’ Days. Also Hugh’s Object of Desire.

John Hannah,
Ships Navigator: Poetically-Inspired “Batter for the Other Team”; Weakly-Characterised in Favour of His Rotund Lover ‘Stan’

Stan D’ard: Doomed-To-Miss-The-End-Of-The-Movie Boyfriend of John Hannah; Level 3 Judge, “Bon Viveur” and Fat Git

Scene 1 - Ext. Motorway, Four Players Are Journeying to the Aren a for a Tournament But they Are Late. They Are Packed Into a Woefully Small Goblin Chariot (2/2); they Are: Joven Stools, Mark O’fury, Chris Mage and Hugh “Land” Grant

Hugh: Fork!

Joven: Forking Fork!

Chris: Simal-Crumbs!

(They Are Stuck Behind An Early Harvester)

Mark: Plumes of Peace!

Hugh: Forking Great Yellow Plumes of Peace and (F)Arse(Ek)!

(They Trundle Passed the Entrance to the Tournament Venue and Have to Do a Handbrake Turn)

All: Buuuuuuugggggggeeeeerrrrrrr! Let’s Sing a Golden Oldie!

Song: Mad Togs and Englishmen (With Apologies to Noel Coward)

The Tournament Scene Has Recently Been a Bore
When All of the Players Eschew
All the Colours Except Black and Blue
It's An Archetype with Too Much Hype for Sure
Because the Deck Is So Consistent
And One Must Avoid It's Persistent Lure
Floata-Mana, Floata-Mana, Floata-Man a Do
Floata-Mana, Floata-Mana, Floata-Man a Do
Digga-Digga, Fact-Or-Fiction Too
Digga-Digga, Fact-Or-Fiction Too
A Player Grieves When Opponents' 'Heaves Resolve
Because It Makes Me Want a Revolv-Er

Chorus:
Bad 'Togs and Englishmen
Scrub Out in the Early Rounds
The Japanese Like Green/Blue
The Chinese Love Braids Too
Hindus and Argentines Applaud Some Fertile Grounds
But Englishmen Hog Zevatog
In the Pyrinees there Are C.O.Ps
To Protect You From the Pain
In the Heart of Texas there Are Combo Decks Us
Britishers Won't Entertain
The 'Day Two' Pairings Get An Airing
No Limey's, there, Are Found
Coz Bad 'Togs and Englishmen
Scrub Out in the Early Rounds

Scene 2 - Int. Tournament Venue. Players Are Already Sat Ready to Start and the Judge Is Giving them a Summary of the Rules and Procedures for the Day. Our Friends Take their Places in the Nick of Time. Hugh Is Sitting Opposite the Enigmatic Carrie.

Judge: (Continuing Unabated) ...Will Be De-Fenestrated with out Prize – Is That Clearly Understood? (Pauses) Good. Now – Any Questions?

Joven: (Holding His Hand Up) Please, Sir – I Have Just One Question

Song: It’s Raining Gore

(To the Tune of “It’s Raining Men” By the Weather Girls)

Hi, Tyde. We're Your Weatherlight Girls – Uh-Huh -
And Have We Got UUs for U (You Better Listen!)
Get Ready, All You Lone Wolfs
And Leave Those Umbilicus’ At Home. - Alrighteousness! -

Humility Is Rising – Baron Sengir’s Getting Low
According to Man a Sources, the Street's the Place to Go (Savvy?)
Cause, Black Knight, for the First Time,
Just About Half-Past Four
For the First Time in History
It's Gonn a Start Raining Gore!

It's Raining Gore! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Gore! Omen!
I'm Gonn a Tap Right Out and Let Myself Get
Absolutely Okk-Ing Wet!
It's Raining Gore! Hallelujah!
It's Raining Gore! Every Pik-E-Men!
Call for Blood, Dark Offering
Rough On Toughness, Strong V. Green

God Bless Harmony of Nature, It’s 4 Life Every Time You ‘Do’
And Phantom Nishoba, Don’t Forget Armadillo Cloak Too
From Every Spell That Gains Life, You Must Now Be Shy
Coz for Every Point Your Gainin’, You’re More Like-Ly to Die!
It's Raining Gore! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Gore! Omen!
It's Raining Gore! Hallelujah!
It's Raining Gore! Ome---------Nnnn!

(Repeat to Fade Out)

Judge: (Smoke Is Emitting From His Collar; He Calls Out) Lesser Judgelings?

( A Scuttling Crocodile of Nervous, Smiling Level 2 Judges Shuffles to the Head Judge’s Elbow and All Speak in Unison, As One)

Judgelings: Yes?

Judge: (Pointing At Joven) Defenestrate. Third Floor, I Think

Joven: (Pleading) But It’s My First Offence!

Judge: Upheld. Make That the Fifth Floor!

(The Judgelings Carry Joven Aloft, Writhing, From the Room. There Is the Sound of Many Feet On Stairs in An Echoing Stairwell, then Ten Seconds of Silence, and then a Distant, Falling Scream)

Hugh: (Noticing Carrie Opposite, He Stutters and Plays with His Hair) Er..

Carrie: Could You Take Your Hands Out of Your Trousers, Please?

Hugh: (He Obliges; Now He Plays with the Hair On His Head) Er..

Carrie: I Know What You’re Thinking...You’re Thinking: “She’s a Llanowar Elf – and I Thought they Were All Male”

Hugh: Well, Er...

Carrie: How Do You Think We Managed to Survive All the Way to Ninth Edition?

Hugh: I Was Actually Thinking That I Should’ve Brought a Deck with Me – I Knew there Was Something I’d Forgotten in the Rush This Morning

Carrie: I’m a Beta, You Know?

Hugh: Congratulations – I’m a Sagittarius

Carrie: (Provocatively) You Could Always Play with Me? (Coy Smile) “There’s No Other Place for Your Wien Once You’ve Tapped Up Some Green” (They Both S******)

Hugh: Would I Have to Sleeve You Up? I’ve Not Had Many Partners Before...

Carrie: But of Course - We’re in More Enlightened Days Now! Don’t Worry, Though, I’ll Be Gentle with You. I’ve Had Quite a Few Players in My Time... Um... Let Me Think, Now...Maybe It’s Best If I Count them Through: Number One Was Fun – I Was Fresh From a Booster, He Was New to the Hobby – He Dropped Me First Turn and Tried to Draw My Man a (Smiling to Herself); He Was So Keen But I Had to Slow Him Down – He Nearly Went Off Too Soon! then there Was Number Two – Too Rough, and Too Smelly! Three Was Ok – a 1700 Ranker. Four Liked to Splash White. Five and Six Were During a Two-Headed Giant Tourney – I Was Summoning Sick for That One and We Didn’t Last Long, But It Was Kind a Fun. Seven Wouldn’t Take Me Out of His Trades Folder – That Was a Suffocating Relationship.

Hugh: (Surprised) Wow! That’s a Lot of Players

Carrie: (Disappointed) Oh... Is That a Problem?

Hugh: (Back-Peddling Furiously) Er... No! No, Not At All. It’s Just That I Had the Same Elf Since Revised. We Drifted Apart When Eighth Came Out..

Carrie: (Smiling) You’re Kind a Cute – We Could Have Some Fun, If You Like?

Hugh: Song: Time-Shifted Sliver
(To the Tune of Long-Haired Lover From Liverpool By Little Jimmy Osmond)

I´ll - Be - Your – Time-Shifted Sliver in Your Sliver Deck
I’ll Get Bigger When I Come Into Play
I´ll Be Your Crypt, Clot Or Shadow Or Your Psionic
If You´ll Be My 1/1 Creature From Ll. A

I’ll Be Your Opaline, Your Root, and Your Furious Spec(Tral)
I’ll Serendib You Till I’m Old and Grey
I’ll Be Your Time-Shifted Sliver in Your Sliver Deck
You’ll Be My 1/1 Creature From Ll.A

(You’ll Be My Bet a Elf Girl with Your Man a Side)
(There Are Lots of Other Green Elves, Too)
But All the Other Creatures Hung their Heads and Cried
Because the Loveliest of All them Was You

(But You Were Evidently the Exception to the Rule)
Let Me Pick You in the Draft, Let’s Run Away!
´Cause I Was Your Time-Shifted Sliver in Your Sliver Pool
You Were My 1/1 Creature From Ll.A

I’ll Be Your Time-Shifted Sliver in Your Sliver Pool
And I’ll Do Anything You Ask
I’ll Be Your Blade Or Your Muscle Or Your Toxin Tool
Wash My Hair and Play Mercadian Masques

I’ll Be Your Crystalline, and You’ll Be Mine, and Things'll Be Cool
We’ll Summon Bears Together Every Day
I’ll Be Your Time-Shifted Sliver in Your Sliver Pool
You’ll Be My 1/1 Creature From Ll.A
You’ll Be My 1/1 Creature From Ll.A

Scene 3 – Int. Second Magic Tournament – Isle of Man Nationals – Attended By Our Friends. This Time, Everyone Is Seated and We Are About to Be Treated to a Rules Overview By Very Nervous Newly-Conferred Level 4 Judge. Carrie and Hugh Are Making Sweet, Sweet Love Te a in the Kitchen.

New Judge: Dearly Beloved, We Are Magic: the Gathered Here in WotC’s (Divine) Presence to Witness and to Celebrate the Qualification of Three Individuals to the World Championships, and to Ask the D.C.I to Sanction them So That they May Be Strengthened for the Gravy Train. We Are Called to Rejoice in their “Shuffling Skills” (After Olivier Ruel, the Only Pro-Player Card in Time Spiral That Has “Suspend”), and Find in their Qualification a Reason to Renew Our Own Commitments to Those Decks Which Are Near and Dear to Each of Us. Wizards Gave Us Magic for the Full Expression of Beats Between a Man and a Woman Another Man, So That Players May Cherish and Delight in One Another's Man a Screws.
And So I Ask You All, Registered Competitors of All Ages and Just the One Sex (Probably): Will You Have these Sets to Be Your Standard Format?

All: We Will...

New Judge: ...And Will You Promise Your Spare Cash and Weekends to It in All Love and Honor, in All Duty and Service, in All Faith and Tenderness, to Trade for It, Talk About It Constantly, and to Indulge in Occasional Onanistic Endeavour So Long As Serr a Angel Shall Be Reprinted?

All: We Will...

New Judge: ...Magic Is Not Something That People Invent, Or Construct By themselves. It Takes a Far Wider Community of Strangers, Web Sites and Casual Acquaintances to Make Magic Work. Each of You Have Been Invited Here Today Because You Are a Part of That Community.

By the Authority Vested in Me By the D.C.I, I Now Pronounce the Beginning of Round One. Whom Those That D.C.I Reporter Has Joined Together, Let No Man Force a Re-Pairing.

Oh Man.

All: Oh Man!

(At This Point, Stan D’ard Puts Him Arm in the Air, Rises to His Feet and Begins to Ask a Question – But then Suddenly Keels Over. He Is Quite Dead. He Receives a Game Loss And, Later, a Match-Loss for Exceeding the Permitted Shuffling and Side-Boarding Times. He Is DQed During Round Two for Failing to Move From His Position When Asked By a Judge)

Scene 4 – Int. We Are in a Side-Event At Pro-Tour Minsk. Everyone Is Sombre and Solemn At the Wake of Stan D’ard Who, After the Rotation Out of Kamigaw a Block Has Officially Been Declared ‘Dead’ (By the Usual Naysayers and Doom-Merchants). John Hannah, Ship’s Navigator Gets Up to Say Something.

John: Time Stop All the Armageddon Clocks, Cut Off the Delif’s Cone
Prevent the Dogpile From Deathmarking with a Throne of Bone
Swift Silence the Pianna1 And, with Stifle Drum,
Bringer Out the Coffin Queen, Let the Mourner’s Shield Come

Let Ornithopters (Story) Circle Mourning Over Head(Stone)
Skyscribing the Message “He Is Dead”
Put Fyndhorn Bows Round the (1w) Annex of the Public Doves(Cape)
Let the An-Havv a Constable Wear Black Market Gloves.

He Was My North Star, My South, My Eastern Paladin and West,
My Working Stiff and Lady Sun Arrest,
My Pale Moon, My Midnight Ritual, My Torch (And) Song;
I Thought My 20 Life Would Last for Ever: I Was Wrong.

Yosei, the Morning Star Is Not Wanted Now: Sell Off Every One;
Pack Up Kami of the Crescent Moon and Dismantle the Kitsune;
Trade Away Chisei, Heart of Oceans and Rip Up Tainted Wood.
For Nothing Now Can Be Sacced to Greater Good

1(Nomad Captain)

(Sound of Record Being Scratched As the Stylus Is Forcibly Removed; the Film Stops Running and Freezes ‘On-Screen’)

MTG Salvation Editor: We Apologise for the Interruption to Our Movie. While the Problem Is Being Sorted Out, Here Are Some Slides of Craig Stevenson in the Shower...

(Thankfully the) End